A True Hogwarts Story
by Dreamer462
Summary: Featureing... Suave!Harry, Ditzy!Hermione, Emotional!Ron, Slutty!Ginny, Gay!Draco. This is what you get from reading too many out-of-canon fanfictons.


FU!! A True Hogwarts Story

Featuring… Suave!Harry Ditzy!Hermione Emotional!Ron Slutty!Ginny Gay!Draco

Bitchy!Cho and Horny!Snape

Our story begins far far away, in a distant land, where emotional teenagers run wild, shagging, snogging, and doing Merlin knows what else. Ahh, but what well-behaved boys and girls attended Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, or at least that's what J.K. Rowling would like us to think. But we know the truth, Harry's not worried about killing Voldemort, all he's really worried about is getting into Ginny's pants. And Hermione's not really worried about how many O.W.L.'s she's going to get; she's too busy crimping her hair to worry about boring stuff like that! This is the real Hogwarts, the Hogwarts J.K. Rowling would never write about in little kiddy novels, this is FU!! A True Hogwarts Story!

"LIKE OMG SLUTTY!GINNY, I LIKE CAN'T BELIVE YOU STILL LIKE SUAVE!HARRY!" Ditzy!Hermione squealed across the common room to her best friend Slutty!Ginny.

"I KNOW!" Slutty!Ginny screamed back glancing over at Suave!Harry who was sitting next to her. He gave Slutty!Ginny his to die for grin and girls all over the common room dropped down dead. But not Slutty!Ginny, she just fainted into an unconscious state.

"SLUTTY!GINNY! DO YOU HAVE ANY LIP LINER? MINES UP IN THE DORMITORY AND I DON'T FEEL LIKE GETTING IT!" Ditzy!Hermione yelled. After shagging Suave!Harry all through first year, was used to Suave!Harry's to die for looks and therefore wasn't fazed. And she obviously didn't realize Slutty!Ginny was unconscious.

"Here Ditzy!Hermione, borrow some of mine." Gay!Draco said drawing a lip pencil out of his pink Luis Vuitton bag and handing it to her. Gay!Draco, although Slytherin, seemed to enjoy spending his time in the Gryffindor common room socializing with all the Gryffindors, checking out that hot ass Suave!Harry, and giving random girls advice on their makeup.

"Thanks Gay!Draco! You're such a sweety!" Ditzy!Hermione said gingerly as she reached for the lip liner and then began to apply it to her lips.

"Call me SexuallyCorrect!Dracy… I'm getting my sex change operation tomorrow!" Gay!Draco… I mean SexuallyCorrect!Dracy, absolutely beamed.

"Oh that's wonderful SexuallyCorrect!Dracy! Let's throw you a sex change operation party! I'll have to plan it with Slutty!Ginny!" Ditzy!Hermione squealed her face lighting up with excitement. If there was one thing Ditzy!Hermione could do well, it was throw a sex change operation party… or shag Suave!Harry. Just then Emotional!Ron entered the common room, tears cascading down his cheeks.

"Emotional!Ron! What's wrong?" SexuallyCorrect!Dracy asked, his voice full of worry.

"I dunno!" Emotional!Ron wailed. "I think I have PMS!"

"Poor Emotional!Ron!" Ditzy!Hermione cooed. "Here, have some PMS chocolate from Honeydukes, it always helps me!" Emotional!Ron took the PMS chocolate from Honeydukes from Ditzy!Hermione and quickly ate it. Suddenly, Emotional!Ron stopped crying and, for a brief second, he looked happy. Then the tears gushed out again.

"Emotional!Ron! What's wrong?" Ditzy!Hermione inquired (since simply asking was, like, so last minute)

"I don't have PMS anymore! I feel like I have a hole inside!" Emotional!Ron wailed. SexuallyCorrect!Dracy gave him a pitying look.

"How about we go shag, will that make you feel better?" SexuallyCorrect!Dracy asked.

"No! Nothing can help me!" Emotional!Ron cried out before running to the boys dormitory.

"Poor Emotional!Ron! He must really be upset! I mean everyone wants to shag me! For someone to turn that opportunity down-" inserted shiver from SexuallyCorrect!Dracy "-He must really be sad!"

"Oh look!" Ditzy!Hermione exclaimed. "That's the bell; we must be late to class!"

"Oh no! It's potions too! My _favorite_ class with my _favorite _sexy beast teacher, Horny!Snape!" SexuallyCorrect!Dracy said looking rather downcast.

"Maybe if we hurry up, we can get there on time!" Ditzy!Hermione suggested.

"Let's round up Emotional!Ron, Slutty!Ginny, and Suave!Harry and get going!" SexuallyCorrect!Dracy said. Just then Emotional!Ron came out of the dormitory, Slutty!Ginny woke up, and Suave!Harry stopped flirting with a random Gryffindor girl who had survived his to die for grin. Suave!Harry, Ditzy!Hermione, Emotional!Ron, Slutty!Ginny, and SexuallyCorrect!Dacry walked out of Gryffindor common room together and went on their merry (except for in Emotional!Ron's case… he was still crying) way down to the dungeons. But on the way they were stopped by none other then Bitchy!Cho who immediately became defensive when she saw Suave!Harry and Slutty!Ginny gasp! walking together!

"Yo Girl! What you doin' walkin' wit Suave!Harry!" Bitchy!Cho also happened to have spent time in London's Ghetto over the summer. Slutty!Ginny decided to ignore Bitchy!Cho.

"Hey, Suave!Harry, do you think this shirt revels enough of my boobs?" Slutty!Ginny asked. Harry stared at her boobs for a moment. Over half of Slutty!Ginny's cleavage was hanging out of her shirt in a very slutty manner.

"Nope." Suave!Harry decided that was the best answer.

"Damn! I guess I'll have to get an even sluttier shirt!" Slutty!Ginny sighed disappointedly.

"Yeah!" Suave!Harry nodded aggressively. "Do that! Do that!"

"Yo girl, you best not be letting my boo ogle your boobs!" Bitchy!Cho warned.

"He's not your boo!" Slutty!Ginny shot back.

"Oh! Oh, you've gone too far this time! Get ready to get your ass kicked, biotch!" And with that Bitchy!Cho and Slutty!Ginny were rolling on the floor, trying to kill each other like uncivilized fanfiction characters they were.

"Uh!"

"Eh!"

"Eu!"

"Ou!"

The sounds they were making seemed to remind Suave!Harry too much of what he'd done the night before with Ditzy!Hermione and he began to feel _BigHarry _stand at attention.

"Merlin, it's times like these when I almost wish I was straight." SexuallyCorrect!Dracy said breathlessly. Suave!Harry, Ditzy!Hermione, Emotional!Ron, and SexuallyCorrect!Darcy watched for a few more moments before Ditzy!Hermione finally stopped Slutty!Ginny from tearing Bitchy!Cho's head off.

"Come on, let's get going to Potions! I wanna see my luver, Horny!Snape!" SexuallyCorrect!Dracy whined. So Suave!Harry, Ditzy!Hermione, Emotional!Ron, Slutty!Ginny, and SexuallyCorrect!Dracy headed off to the dungeons once again.

Once they arrived in Potions class they soon found out they were only 50 seconds late causing Gryffindor to loose 180,543,259,407,250,947,018,403,291,741,043,027,653,018 house points. Slutty!Ginny took her seat next to Suave!Harry even though she's only supposed to be in fifth year potions and I'm too lazy too come up with a good reason (like she's so smart that they bumped her up a year… or Horny!Snape likes to ogle her boobs too, so he's making her take two classes…. Horny bastard!)

"Horny!Snape!" Ditzy!Hermione exclaimed her eyes staring at his elated… thingy.

"You don't think I was named Horny!Snape for nothing, do you?" Horny!Snape barked. "Now get to work so I can watch Slutty!Ginny's boobs when she bends over!"

And now the moment has come when all fanfiction readers realize that Horny!Snape doesn't hate Suave!Harry because his dad supposedly pulled a prank on him, he hates Suave!Harry because Slutty!Ginny likes him and Horny!Snape likes Slutty!Ginny's boobs!

And now that the world has realized that I feel that I must stop writing because my fingers are getting cramps from typing so much. But there's one last thing I must write before I'm truly finished….

As in all fanon fanfictions… Suave!Harry and Slutty!Ginny go off to a broom closet and shag each other senseless, Ditzy!Hermione comforts Emotional!Ron by giving him a blowjob, SexuallyCorrect!Dracy has his sex change operation and finds true love in Vincent Crabbe, and Horny!Snape dies from being banned from ogling Slutty!Ginny's boobs. And Everyone lives happily ever after, never contracting STD's or getting pregnant.

A/N: I hate fanon fanfiction… grrr


End file.
